My Hole

I m tired in pain and ready for a nap, I hate my body. Sometimes I hear how you can't loose hope. But When I look in the mirror and see a very minute peice of what I use to be it is really hard NOT to loose help. I have been battling this for 10 years Plus and I am just so sick of just existing and not "Living", because i can['t get it under control. So Much I want to do and can't, and If i do wind up doing something I am in pain for weeks. I dont' care what faith you are or not. when you turn to them in times of need. Sometimes EVEN then they can't help you, and you begin to loose faith. You being to loose hope. I just want to scream 

I am suppose to have a doctors apt today but i couldn't because I was in so much pain and couldn't stop pooping once again. I do not have the heart to call mom and tell her what happened. She has been trying to get me to go to this apt for ever. I just don't want to dissapoint her. 

I think too some of it lies in me. I mean I get really sad at times when  think of them taking it out ( My uterus) and not having children anymore. I know that I will never have children again, because my tubes are tied. I know that right now my body is only giving me pain. ANd when I have my periods I have such pain and such bleeding that it really really sucks. I get so tired and withdrawn and imbolie. This last period I couldn't even get out of bed. Every time I stood up I passed clots.  My mom wants me to get it. I think for several reasons. One so I can be like her and mysister. also so it is certain that I do not have anymore kids.  but also because she knows the pain i am ALWAYS in 

This is also the first Halloween I didn't celebrate. I always celebrate holidays and Samhain is by far my favorite holiday. A time I can truely be myself with no judgement. And set people straight as to what Samhain aka Halloween really is. But This year I am so tired and exauhsted and emotionally just not with it. I can't do anything nd I just want to crawl in to a hole 

Last night I went out with my in laws and  I had a lot of fun. It was just My husband and my inlaws, My kids stayed home. It was a nice break away from everything. and We had a good time. We were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Something My father and mother would have been celebrating this next march. 

I am a bit pissed at my mother in law, because after my father died she and I had words and she said , " well my marriage is stable, and at least we are celebrating our 50th together". It just struck me as rude. The only reason they are still married is cause he spends most of his time away from her In polasky at his hunting camp. He is only here in vermont MAYBE two months out of the year. He really doesn't stay here much. And when he is here they sleep in seperate rooms. Last night was the first time I had ever seen them a little romantic. For the most part I have only seen them cold and distant with each other. 

I want a marriage like my parents had, They are the modle of my marriage. They loved each other feircly , even now that my father has passed away my mother still feels him, still loves only him.  I want that.  But I don't want to have any regreats when one of us passes. I want us to have done everything we can together. I want us to treat each other with so much love that we are complete.