A New Realization

I am in my new home and officially out of the old house. Today Don went and picked up the lawn  mower and the Weedwacker and other stuff that were left on the porch he said that he didn't see anyone there but there was a car in the driveway so it could have been inside. 

We  are done though and now officially moved into the new house. We have only a few days befor our cookout. We are having this weekend.  We have invited Don's Family and some of our friends and My cousin from Mass that i haven't seen in over ten years. So i am really excited,

I was so fustrated iI posted this last night on facebook" 

Sick and tired of being lied to, of sneaking, and all around being miserable asses..
I have made so many sacrafices and have put up with such bullshit for then and because of them and gone out of the normal relm of what is considered normall to protect them, that it is appauling the way I am treated with such utter lack of respect. I don't demand a lot out of them, but I do demand honesty. And would like some resemblance of respec.

Everything I've ever done, any decision that has ever been made has been for the family as a whole. I have never played favorites or picked sides. And I'm not going to start now.
I am a very forgiving person but even I have a limit to how much or how many times I will allow someone to disrespect me. 
I'm tired and fed up.. during this time all nerves are frayed and it is not the time to push my buttons or those limits..grrr

and I am I am so tired of all the crap the kids give me. 

I am doing this alone for the first time. I usually have my mom and dad's help moving. Dad helps with the organization and packing of the move . and getting things in order, and mom once moved has always helped me with the aftermath the un packing of boxes and placement of furniture and curatains for bedrooms that look the best and work better. 

But dad is dead. and I miss him so much. I have to say though during this move I have felt him. I know it sounds weird. And I know that spirits are suppose to bring cold into a room. But there have been times that I feel cold. Like freezing cold, and I feel like giving up. because this has been so difficult. But then I feel this warmth. it's like a wave, as though someone is taking their hands over my body, and  a wave of warmth comes over my body. and then leaves but leaves me warm. I can just see my dad doing it. Because one of his main priorities other then my mother was making sure that his children were fed, safe, loved, and warm. and I feel it is him doing this. Even after death , taking care of his Always Babies. and I feel him with me.. 

With mom it's harder. Mom isn't dead, and I don't want her dead.. At all. But mom also isn't here, in many ways. 

I can't go to mom like i normaly do. or would have in the past. Because of her stroke, there were things and are things I can't tell her that might cause her to become upset. Or things I want to tell her but can't because i am affraid she will tell everyone in the family. 

She can't keep secrets anymore cause she forgets what is a secret what isn't. :( I miss her. It's very hard being alone. And that is just how i feel. .. 

Don't get me wrong I have donnie who is just wonderful. But who do i talk to now about Donnie when we have issues and I need a sounding board.? I certainly will never tell or confide in her ever again because she will use it against me later. So I will have to learn to talk to myself and work things out on my own against. Again one of the reasons for this blog . 

I am working on a spell for spirits to cross the veil for Samhain. Since the veil is thin.