Wow my last post was in January, I can’t believe it has been that long, the only thing I have to say is that it has been extremely busy here. And I am talking physically and emotionally as well.

Dad’s birthday came and went this year and it was quite hard. Especially around their anniversary and my mother’s birthday, all rolled into Easter, we went up there at Easter and then again at Memorial day.

Memorial weekend was the One year marking point to the death of my father.  May 26^th  2014. The one year anniversary. IT was very hard for me. As I am still at odd places with my family. But seeing my dad and my grandfather and other ancestors was quite a unique day for us.

I loved my father so very much, much like my grandfather he hung my moon and stars. I could go to this man with anything and he would help me in any way he could. He never made you feel bad, because he knew that we already were beating ourselves up at night over letting him down.

He raised us to love each other, respect each other. He taught us honesty,, and integrity, and to be above all else honest to our selves. To do what made us happy. To Do what we could for ourselves so we were happy with ourselves.

I love him dearly and I still do and I never will stop loving my father.

He was a hero, He was a vietnam vetern who served on the Enterprise while serving the Navy. He was very proud to serve his country but unfortunatly got screwed near the end by the country and politics that he once faught to uphold. I really thought after all these years an all these wars they would be better treated in life and in death. 

Dad,  Iam sorry you missed Matthiew's 18th birthday, and his graduation, that you missed JOhn's Graduation too but we all felt you and we know you are always with us cheerin us on and smacking us in the back of the head when needed. I love you dad. 

My kids with grandpa

Dad tried so hard to get his built for my mother it was a gazebo she wanted when we lived in sandwich he never did get to finish it. 

Boyscouts with their leader getting ready to go out to camp

Our last photo with you dad as a group, Oh how i wish we could have cherrished that day longer

Your kids , with your beloved, wife we are trying very hard to keep her well. and keep her with us. But oh how she misses you 

. 

 oI am at mymothers again, Just visiting for the New Year Holiday. SO Much has happenedthis year, and I have

to say I am surprised it is January allrady. As it seemsthat we were just figuring out what we were doing last year this time.

Last year was a hardyear on our family. We lost Two Uncles, and Aunt, My mother had a brainanurysim and a stroke, and my father passedaway, pluss their dog who we had hadfor some years, Plus my beloved Furbby familiar Abby  died. And my daughter graduated.

I always find itironic when things happen like that that they seem to shift everything. Andthis was no different. Everything in my life shifted.

My relationshipswith my siblings Shifted as power plays came into play now that the Head of theFamily was no longer with us, a silent fude erupted over who the next head ofthe family should be to help my mother with her new future. I really didn’twant  that position though many thought Iwas a contendor or vying for the job. In reality I just wanted someone who wasstable enough to handle what she needed. Her life was vastly different. With myfather being gone, the main bread winner, and the main worker around the house,my mother had always been a house wife for 50 years with the cooking andcleaning etc. and she had no idea who to “care” take a house. Still realy doesn’tand the stroke didn’t’ make it any better. So It had to be someone who could handle the house and her medical needsas well, not to mention her emotional needs and quite frankly I didn’t feelthat this was my sister who was and is recovering from lyme disease and has ahistory of depression. Etc.  It needed tobe someone balanced and educated, and not afraid to be assertive without beingruff. That’s not her.

But alas I lost thefight and in the process lost my other siblings, for wich I am still batalingto get back. I do not know if I will never get them back though I want to sobadly . I love my brothers more then they will ever know and respect what theyhave to say. As they are the true elders of the family.

My husband and Iwere also dealing with My health problems. With the stress of everythinghappening I was in a downward spiral of hell. It took several calls and emailsto a dr and even flat out telling a doctor he was fired. Before I was able toget any relief. Today I am not having relief but I am also always under massivestress here and un able to relax since My dad died and feel I have to playpeace keeper, coach, etc.  and it makesit very hard.

But aside from thatI had been doing well there. For the past month finally

We also moved inOctober w ith everything going on. It was very difficult to move for me as wewere leaving the last place we had evre seen my dad. But I knew it was time togo when there was an attempted home invasion into our house while our kids werehome alone. Yes they are 17 and 20 but that doesn’t make it any less scarry. Soafter that and once I was released from the Hospital we set out looking for anew place near by and found one near where his parents live in Brandon. We loveit it’s a house not an apartment. And it’s bigger. Our old landlord put usthrough a ringer and was a complete ass even though our lease was up and we hadpaid a deposit and made the house look presentable he still did not want toadmit that we kep the house well. Simply because he had already spent our 400dollar deposit  and knew he could be indeep shit if the powers to be ever heard about it.

       ButOnce we moved we really loved it. The house was bigger and the yard is biggerand the Things seem to be really nice there. The only problem we can hear everything under the sun. off the road even the train. Its like the house was builton a fault or something.

       I also made the decision to go back toschool and I start my Criminal Justice soon. I picked this because I had beenin this field before and I had already had some credits built up so I can usethem for this. Plus it is a field I am interested in.

        Ialso Went and got my Ordination into the ministry and I am an Ordained Minister/Official High Priestess Now.

       I am very proud of this, as now I can bea Chaplin like my dad and also I was ordained on my grandmothers Birthday.Which I think means a lot to me considering when she was alive she was givenlast rights 5 times. So no I can perform weddings, Wiccanings, handfastings,,confessions, and basically help people on a different level.  I am totally pshyched about this.

I hope for you allthat your 2014 goes better then my 2013. That you are filled with Love andLight, Happiness, and Joy, Warmth and Guidance, and Friends and family.Laughter, and Magic.

Blessings Group andhave a Wonderful 2014

- See more at: https://forum1.aimoo.com/DavineBrewofWitches/The-Cauldron/New-Year-Blessing-of-2014-of-my-2013-1-2334519.html#sthash.kavNZf3t.dpuf

 So much has happened since I last wrote I really don't know where to begin. So I will Try :D. the best I can. 

First off I saw my dr and He prescribed a new med for me , so far the med has been working really well. I had one Bad day and that was I think a stomach bug. But all in all not to bad... So My hopes are high ..

I finally finished my studies and was ordained as a Minister and High Priestess. I am offcial and can do weddings and other ceremonies, including wiccanings. :D. I am excited about this cause it lso made me a Chaplin just like my dad Who passed away this may, And I was able to complete it on my Grandmothers Birthday who passed away in 04. I am extreemly excited about this..( I am not done. I can't make images smaller then they are, so scroll down for more News :D )

I have decided to go back to school. Yup I don't know what possessed me except for the fact that I was tired of just existing. I am tired of not doing things. I am hoping this will be better for all of us involved and we will be able to pull ourselves out of where we are.

I will be spending new years at my mothers house. I promised her I start class on January 6th. It is for Criminal Justice. 

The First of January I will be attending my bestfriends wedding. She is getting married 1/1/14. I am so happy for her she has finally found the love of her life and her soul mate. He sounds really terrific. and just her style. 

Sometimes I think my husbands wonders if he had waited just a little bit longer if it could have been him, but in all honesty i don't think he would have evre been her "type" he is just to sweet. At least to his lovers. To my kids that's a whole other story lol 

Try To Remember What's Important this Holiday Season!!!

            It is Really hard during the Holiday season to remember what is important . We all get so Caught up in what we think people are expecting from us, We we think people need. What we think we are Suppose to give to people. We loose sight to what is really important, and what this sessaon is about. and we loose hope. We get discouraged, and let it ruin our spirits. 

        But it doesn't have to be that way. 

        Instead of going all out and getting thingspeople don't need, and making your wallet thinner and emptier then it has to be, Try to keep in mind, that most people are happy Just to be able to spend time with you. Also You don't have to spend 200 on a gift, what ever happened to It's the thought that counts? It really is. 

    It is hard time to remember these things because of media preassures. And  Social Preassures. 

Mamy people forget this, and become very depressed, and withdrawn because they feel that they can't do what is expected. What they don't realize, is their meir being of Their existance , and being here, is a gift enough for the people that really matter.  And anyone else that things differently, doesn't really matter

    Don't let your life be bogged down with what you Can't do.. Instead Be proud of what you CAN do. And who you are, and that you are a GOOD person also,  Know you are NOT alone during this time. Know that there are people you can talk to if you need to.. too.. 

    And try and remember the true meaning. Also remember our loved one's are Not gone forever, they are only gone till we are reunited again with them, at the end. When the Lord and Lady Decide it is our time. 

Yule is a time where the Earth and Nature goes in to a Slumber, where Cold Frozen snow's Blankets theEarth, allowing the seeds planted in The fall, to gain some legs and roots, Some animals go to sleep and hibernate Till the fresh spring flowers poke out their heads. Winter passes fall. It is a time To remeber loved one's who have passed, and to make contact with them, while the veil between the worlds are thin. It's a Time where we remember their life, what they gave to us, in memories, in traits, and in lessons. it's time to give them thanks. and Celebrate them. And to Celebrate the lives of those around us, and what they have given to us and shown to us. It's a Time for Family and Friends to Gather, 

So Have a Merry Yule Tide Season this year. 

REverend: High Priestess

M.A.G. LaRock

My Husbands Familiar had her kittens she had six total. It is always a mirical when life is brought intot his world. 

She went into labor the other night at around 1030 when she lost her plug. I stayed up with her till 330.am then at 830 when hubby was going to work he woke me up to tell mem she had three. So I went out and saw. and she did she had three. I thought she was done. She laidd own and started nursing them. So I went back to bed  . I woke up at 1130a. and she had 5 and while I was sitting there she popped out the 6th. 

It is truely amazing to me how an animals natural instinct kicks in. In Humans if we had our babbies in a  cubby we would be like omg i don't know what to do.. we have gotten so use to modern technoligies. 

Here are some pictures of  her and her babies

I m tired in pain and ready for a nap, I hate my body. Sometimes I hear how you can't loose hope. But When I look in the mirror and see a very minute peice of what I use to be it is really hard NOT to loose help. I have been battling this for 10 years Plus and I am just so sick of just existing and not "Living", because i can['t get it under control. So Much I want to do and can't, and If i do wind up doing something I am in pain for weeks. I dont' care what faith you are or not. when you turn to them in times of need. Sometimes EVEN then they can't help you, and you begin to loose faith. You being to loose hope. I just want to scream 

I am suppose to have a doctors apt today but i couldn't because I was in so much pain and couldn't stop pooping once again. I do not have the heart to call mom and tell her what happened. She has been trying to get me to go to this apt for ever. I just don't want to dissapoint her. 

I think too some of it lies in me. I mean I get really sad at times when  think of them taking it out ( My uterus) and not having children anymore. I know that I will never have children again, because my tubes are tied. I know that right now my body is only giving me pain. ANd when I have my periods I have such pain and such bleeding that it really really sucks. I get so tired and withdrawn and imbolie. This last period I couldn't even get out of bed. Every time I stood up I passed clots.  My mom wants me to get it. I think for several reasons. One so I can be like her and mysister. also so it is certain that I do not have anymore kids.  but also because she knows the pain i am ALWAYS in 

This is also the first Halloween I didn't celebrate. I always celebrate holidays and Samhain is by far my favorite holiday. A time I can truely be myself with no judgement. And set people straight as to what Samhain aka Halloween really is. But This year I am so tired and exauhsted and emotionally just not with it. I can't do anything nd I just want to crawl in to a hole 

Last night I went out with my in laws and  I had a lot of fun. It was just My husband and my inlaws, My kids stayed home. It was a nice break away from everything. and We had a good time. We were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Something My father and mother would have been celebrating this next march. 

I am a bit pissed at my mother in law, because after my father died she and I had words and she said , " well my marriage is stable, and at least we are celebrating our 50th together". It just struck me as rude. The only reason they are still married is cause he spends most of his time away from her In polasky at his hunting camp. He is only here in vermont MAYBE two months out of the year. He really doesn't stay here much. And when he is here they sleep in seperate rooms. Last night was the first time I had ever seen them a little romantic. For the most part I have only seen them cold and distant with each other. 

I want a marriage like my parents had, They are the modle of my marriage. They loved each other feircly , even now that my father has passed away my mother still feels him, still loves only him.  I want that.  But I don't want to have any regreats when one of us passes. I want us to have done everything we can together. I want us to treat each other with so much love that we are complete. 

So I haven't been on for a while. I got into a funk I couldn't shake. But I think I am over it. 

I am making home made chicken soup. It's not that hard. I had two chicken Carcuses that I boiled down yesterday for broth. Then Today I am adding my veggies and Noodles.  And wala it will be finished. I love to cook. I always have. When My kids were younger and it was the three of us, i use to cook everything natural. I never used canned or processed foods. But now it is harder for me to cook cause of the Fibromyalgia. And I can't stan d as long as I use to by the stove watching the food. So I have gone to doing some things easy. Like Frozen veggies or canned veggies. I still make Some things from scratch. 

Mom is better. That is encouraging for me.  I feel I can talk to her more. There are still some things I know I can't tell her. The only one I ever had that relationship with was my dad. If I asked my father not to tell anyone he wouldn't. Not even my mother. But If I tell her not to tell anyone then the whole family knows and that was before the stroke lol. I don't know why she does it. I don't think it is out of spite or anything. I think she just likes to talk and when she has  a captive audiance she feels she has to dish lol. I have been asked many a time to forget what she has said. So I know that it goes the same way when she is talking with other poeple. 

My relathipnship with my brothers unfortunatly is still the same. it  saddens me too. WE have HOlidays coming up at my mothers house and It will be uncomfrotable. I mean if they won't talk to me ten I can't see me going it will be tense and uncomfortable.   And I don't want to make it any  harder on my mother then it has to be. This is the first time without my dad. So I am not sure how she will be. She wants us to come but i dont' want it to be ruined for her. She loves my brother and sisters more and I have acccepted that. we have never had a close relationship. I had hoped after her stroke that we would be closer but my sister has all but ruined that theory. She has actuallly managed to push me completely out of the family , using myself against me. She used my own mouth. I played right into her hands. Along with the rest of the family. How ever she also used the brothers. Filling them fulll of crap and they believed her, so shame on them. 

My Health isn't getting any better. Infact it is getting worse. Or it seems it. I just don't get it. I am in so much pain. I don't think it's just the fibromyalgia, I think it is also the VCFS I do not get any rest from it. The pain is so bad . I can't stand it. I can't even walk sometimes. It deffinatly plays with how I do house work and cook etc. it sucks. :(

What the hell is wrong with schools today that are turning up so many serial killers? 

Why are teenagers of this century taking the lives of people, instead of working things out?

Is there not enough counsiling?

Is there not enough parental guidence?

Is there not enough support from peers.?

I mean why are these kids taking peoples lives into their own hands? what makes them think that this is ok? What makes their lives so much more important then someone elses? 

Why is death the first thing they think of to fix their problems? 

How is this generation EVER going to grow up to trust?

How is this generation ever going to grow?

Have you ever had to be alone? 

Or have you ever felt like you were alone even though you weren't.? 

Don't get me wrong I love my husband, he's loving and supportive. He pampers me and he protects me, and he's just wonderful. But sometimes a girl wants to talk to another girl or some one, to sound off on. I use to have that with my mother, I don't anymore. I also use to have it with my dad.yes believe it or not I could talk to my dad about anything, and was more comfortable talking to dad then mom cause he didn't judge as much or as harsh. Now I don't have either. 

Don't ge me wrong. I love my mother and I know my mother loves me. But because of her stroke, you can't tell her private stuff, cause she doesn't remember it's private and the information winds up in the wrong hands, and is miss used and is used against me. I have fallen pray to that one to many times. 

So who do you talk to when you don't have your mormal sounding board? When you don't have that support you once had?. 

It is a question that has led to many a long sleepless night. 

What is weird is I loved My grandparents on both sides VERY much, and was very close to the three I knew. but i NEVER dream of them.  However, since my fathers death i dream of him almost every other night. Which is good. To me.. It's good dreams. But sometimes I wake up and it makes it harder cause I realize it's just a dream and he is NOT coming back. :(. and I am alone. once again. 

have you ever had that one dream where it feels so real? and you wake up and the part of your body were you wacked it in your dream  hurts as well? that is how I dream almost everynight.. 

is that weird?

I am in my new home and officially out of the old house. Today Don went and picked up the lawn  mower and the Weedwacker and other stuff that were left on the porch he said that he didn't see anyone there but there was a car in the driveway so it could have been inside. 

We  are done though and now officially moved into the new house. We have only a few days befor our cookout. We are having this weekend.  We have invited Don's Family and some of our friends and My cousin from Mass that i haven't seen in over ten years. So i am really excited,

I was so fustrated iI posted this last night on facebook" 

Sick and tired of being lied to, of sneaking, and all around being miserable asses..
I have made so many sacrafices and have put up with such bullshit for then and because of them and gone out of the normal relm of what is considered normall to protect them, that it is appauling the way I am treated with such utter lack of respect. I don't demand a lot out of them, but I do demand honesty. And would like some resemblance of respec.

Everything I've ever done, any decision that has ever been made has been for the family as a whole. I have never played favorites or picked sides. And I'm not going to start now.
I am a very forgiving person but even I have a limit to how much or how many times I will allow someone to disrespect me. 
I'm tired and fed up.. during this time all nerves are frayed and it is not the time to push my buttons or those limits..grrr

and I am I am so tired of all the crap the kids give me. 

I am doing this alone for the first time. I usually have my mom and dad's help moving. Dad helps with the organization and packing of the move . and getting things in order, and mom once moved has always helped me with the aftermath the un packing of boxes and placement of furniture and curatains for bedrooms that look the best and work better. 

But dad is dead. and I miss him so much. I have to say though during this move I have felt him. I know it sounds weird. And I know that spirits are suppose to bring cold into a room. But there have been times that I feel cold. Like freezing cold, and I feel like giving up. because this has been so difficult. But then I feel this warmth. it's like a wave, as though someone is taking their hands over my body, and  a wave of warmth comes over my body. and then leaves but leaves me warm. I can just see my dad doing it. Because one of his main priorities other then my mother was making sure that his children were fed, safe, loved, and warm. and I feel it is him doing this. Even after death , taking care of his Always Babies. and I feel him with me.. 

With mom it's harder. Mom isn't dead, and I don't want her dead.. At all. But mom also isn't here, in many ways. 

I can't go to mom like i normaly do. or would have in the past. Because of her stroke, there were things and are things I can't tell her that might cause her to become upset. Or things I want to tell her but can't because i am affraid she will tell everyone in the family. 

She can't keep secrets anymore cause she forgets what is a secret what isn't. :( I miss her. It's very hard being alone. And that is just how i feel. .. 

Don't get me wrong I have donnie who is just wonderful. But who do i talk to now about Donnie when we have issues and I need a sounding board.? I certainly will never tell or confide in her ever again because she will use it against me later. So I will have to learn to talk to myself and work things out on my own against. Again one of the reasons for this blog . 

I am working on a spell for spirits to cross the veil for Samhain. Since the veil is thin. 

Almost there

We are almost done. I can’t believe it I was there tonight, and I have most of the house clean. I have to clean my daughters room and the laundry room and fridge and then I am done.

I called my mother tonight, she sounds good. She sounds hopefull. Her high school friend is coming to see her next weekend for a “girls” weekend. Something she has never really been able to have unless at Judy’s house. And even then Kenny was there. So this is a first for them I am so excieted for them. My mother gives me hope. She is so strong . She gets rid of my sister next week too.

I go for an appointment tomorrow. One I am not to thrilled to have to go to. Why? Because it’s a pap smear apt to see if my Cancer is back. And I just don’t know if I want to know. If the test comes back positive again They are taking out everything. I amd one being a period slut, I am done with the pain, I am done with the bleeding. I am done.

I also register my son tomorrow. For school. It is a school that he was in before. So it shouldn’t be that difficult.

I also have to go back to the house and  finish getting the aquarium and setting up a time to meet with the landlord at some point I am also taking pictures of the house so that we have evidence we cleaned. It looked rely good but some things have to just be like the carpet in the dinning room. That was normal ware and tare. And that was our pet deposit. But he’s an ass and that’s why we are taking pictures if he tries to keep our deposit I will wind up having to take him to court through legal aid. I just hope it doesn’t come to that point.

Here is getting there. But there is so muchI have to do and put away I want to be done with the other house so I can start on this house. You know.. I mean I can’t be focusing on two different  houses at once. It boggles my mind.

My chest is hurting like the other day when I was brought to the ER but I am not going to be brought to the ER again told there was no  heart attack and then told that it’s nothing. Like it’s all in my head. But on the ekg there are abnormalities well what the hell does that mean? I mean seriously either there is something wrong or there  isn’t. L So I will live with it for now. Our tv set up is neat with a screen savor if it is on pause for two long

The cats are warming up to our house. And being more socialable and not so jumpy as when we first got here.

We finally got heat and it feels good to have heat and not use heaters.

Moving

So, We moved, I am not sure if I am all excited yet  we are still moving and it took us longer to move then I thought it would! I really thought we would be done by now but we aren’t. We still have several more trips to the old house and we still have to clean the old house.

Also, we are trying to find space in the new house for everything to fit. See. The living room is bigger, The kitchen, The laundry room, and bedrooms, the only problem is we lost the dinning room. But we managed to arrange the living room so that we condensed our dinning room and living room and it looks nice. We also have two porches. So that we can hang out with friends. One is a three season porch and the back deck is open for a cookout, and it is also off our bed room.

I am dying. My legs are so sore and my back is killing me. The sad part is I really haven’t done any jobs  I start tomorrow. Ugg. Seriously I am not happy. I have to go to the old house pick up all the paper work and get all the cleaning done. I have to clean the laundry room clean the bathroom, the kitchen, the kids rooms.. vacume etc.. I am come on.. ugg..

I wish I could just blink my eyes or wave my wand like the doo in the movies. And I could get it done. Wouldn’t that be nice. Or just cast a spell. But unfortunately that just doesn’t work that way.

My mother in law though last night brought us supper we had Don’s Favorite. Impossible Cheeseburger pie. It was good but the bisquick makes it just a bit to doughy for me. But it was soo sweet of her and it was nice. She also baked us a very yummy cake.. With Jimmies.

We fired up the heater today because house got down to 60 and nothing. He went down primed it, it started and then it stopped. He went outside to make sure that it is connected it is. But it still won’t start I just don’t know why. So we have a call into his brother who works on heaters. And we asked him to come take a look at it. But we still haven’t heard anything from him so I am in the bedroom wrapped in a blanket. If my legs shut down any more then they have. Then I won’t be able to do anything. Which sucks but my body hates COLD. So I am not sure what I can do.  If my brother in law doesn’t call back soon then We are going to have to call the landlord and have him come and take a look at it or call his guy. It just sucks. Oh and yes there is fuel in the tank.

Next weekend we are having a bon fire. My in laws are coming we have invited my mother and father in law and my brother’s in law and their family I dn’t know if Eric and leah will come but they are invited. I am pretty sure Brendan will cause we have always gone to his things. But if they are working or hunting it’s hard to say. We have a call into his mother to call the brother too .. I am just so dam cold. My legs are going numb and tingly again.

Kids are adjusting to their new room matt really likes it. It’s actually smaller then I thought it was but I don’t know he seems to like it. He also has it all set up not how I would have set it up but it’s set up. I  think he did it purposely so it was JUST his room. Little shit. But oh well..

So I am off I have things to un pack and a new cable system to check out.

The cable man is here and is setting me up with internet and tv so at least we won’t be board off our asses. Also I’ll be able to post this so that is good.,

I am in the process of moving . Yeah.. I haven't started packing BOO.. 

But we have the house that we wanted. Yeah.. 

But I am in Pain.  Booo 

I want to  know when life will start getting easier when will people stop looking at me like i am lying with my pain I am not. I am in real pian. I am in Real hell.. it sucks. .

I have had the pleasure of really looking into religion. Why is it so important to people.? 

Why do so many people try and get their Point Across? 

Why can't people respect each other's rights to freedom of religion, a basic constitutional right? 

and why can't someone Just let people have their faith without cramming theirs down other people's throats?

Everyone always says that "God" doesn't give you more then you can handle. But just sometimes I really wish that he would loose my number. Really I do. 

Lately my mind won't stop. 

So much has been happening. Ever try to write out a horrible history of the past few months, and get stuck because writting it even though you know it's true, even to you it sounds to far fetched? Well welcome to my life. 

I would like to say that without my husband my life would be empty, There is NO way in the past few months that I couldn't be where i am without him.